I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I think my vagina is haunted
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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