Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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