Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
