he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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