I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just found a bag of teeth...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
