I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I need to stop coming to work sober
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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