Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
