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At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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