How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
She bit a glass in half.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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