I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
