I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
