she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
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