I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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