you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
Randomize
