just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
