the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
