At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
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