maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My vagina is officially offended.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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