did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
