I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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