i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
