It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
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