420 ftw
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
