Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
