my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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