how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Randomize
