Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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