Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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