tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
