why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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