Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
