Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
