Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
