Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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