Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
