Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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