I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
Don't make out with my wife yet
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
