Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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