ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
