mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I pour the whiskey from now on
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
