Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
