my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just invented taco cereal.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
