So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
