Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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