i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
