Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
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