It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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