I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
