Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
