Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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