I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
