Have you finally orgasmed yet?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
sex in a hospital.. check
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
