I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
We need a shit load of segways right now
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
